Poems from the classic Johnny Jenkins canon.
(from http://www.novelnovelist.tumblr.com)
'My Lament to Susie Dent' by Johnny Jsnkins
Susie Dent,
I must admit,
I didn’t know what lament meant.
Apparently it means you’ve died,
But I’m glad that you’re alive.
I must admit,
I didn’t know what lament meant.
Apparently it means you’ve died,
But I’m glad that you’re alive.
'Beard' by Johnny Jsnkins
It’s strange, I find, the more I think on it,
That nobody’s written Noel Edmonds a sonnet.
Or, preferably, one that’s about his beard,
Is being in love with a man’s beard weird?
Is being endeared by a beard so weird that it isn’t celebrated but merely hated by Pogonophobics (those that are scared of a man’s facial hair),
Is being in love with a goatee so ropey that you’d frown upon it if I wrote a sonnet?
Maybe it’s something I’ll keep in my head, and write about sexy moustaches instead.
That nobody’s written Noel Edmonds a sonnet.
Or, preferably, one that’s about his beard,
Is being in love with a man’s beard weird?
Is being endeared by a beard so weird that it isn’t celebrated but merely hated by Pogonophobics (those that are scared of a man’s facial hair),
Is being in love with a goatee so ropey that you’d frown upon it if I wrote a sonnet?
Maybe it’s something I’ll keep in my head, and write about sexy moustaches instead.
'Hiding Place' by Johnny Jenkins
Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden,
And Colonel Gaddafi all live in my garden.
I don’t encourage them to hide
But my garden is three and a half acres wide.
It’s covered in trees and bunkers and caves;
It makes it quite easy for them to evade.
People say that they’re dead, but I know that’s just rumour,
Started by Obama’s strange sense of humour.
He thought it was easier than going to trial,
To let them play hide and seek for a while.
Now, I don’t encourage their hideous crimes,
But in my huge garden I’m lonely sometimes.
And Colonel Gaddafi all live in my garden.
I don’t encourage them to hide
But my garden is three and a half acres wide.
It’s covered in trees and bunkers and caves;
It makes it quite easy for them to evade.
People say that they’re dead, but I know that’s just rumour,
Started by Obama’s strange sense of humour.
He thought it was easier than going to trial,
To let them play hide and seek for a while.
Now, I don’t encourage their hideous crimes,
But in my huge garden I’m lonely sometimes.
'Adaptation' by Johnny Jenkins
Ang Lee is adapting Captain Corelli’s Mandolin into Mandarin which is interesting because he doesn’t speak it and he hates the book but the time it would take to do the translation would cause so much frustration that the accusation was made that Ang Lee was simply far too afraid to take on the task and when he was asked he went mental and ranted and his mood was soured. If there’s one thing he hates it’s when you call him a coward.
'Production Meeting' by Johnny Jenkins
Ant and Dec are sat in a meeting,
Arguing over the central heating.
Declan Donnely’s wearing a jacket,
Ant McPartlin’s in shorts - he can hack it.
They argue for forty-five minutes or so,
Then realise they’ve failed to devise a new show.
Lucky for them they still find it funny
To sit in the bath and count all their money.
Arguing over the central heating.
Declan Donnely’s wearing a jacket,
Ant McPartlin’s in shorts - he can hack it.
They argue for forty-five minutes or so,
Then realise they’ve failed to devise a new show.
Lucky for them they still find it funny
To sit in the bath and count all their money.
'My Ongoing One Direction Court-Case' by Johnny Jenkins
At the risk of breaking the super-injunction,
I call them One Directile Dysfunction.
I call them One Directile Dysfunction.